Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Don Rearden: EXT. IGLOO

EXT. ALASKAN MOUNTAINS - DAY


High above a sweeping vista of mountains covered in ice
and snow we see below on the land what appear to be dark
specks moving quickly.

The dark specks appear to be people, and as we drop down
from the sky towards them we realize they are all
employing various modes of snow travel, as if in a race
to some nearby destination.

We see a MUSHER and her team of dogs, speeding across the
snow. Then a lone male cross-country SKIER. Behind him a
female SNOW-SHOER. Then a RUNNER. Shooting down from the
mountain above, a SNOWBOARDER and DOWNHILL SKIER.

EXT. IGLOO - DAY

A ruggedly handsome man, we'll call him DON, stands
inside a nearly complete igloo, with just his handsome
face poking out the top. He smiles at the approaching
racers, and disappears into the snowy abode, dropping the
final block of the igloo's roof in place.

INT. IGLOO - DAY

The igloo is deceptively spacious and modern. Complete
with comfortable seating, a projector, and screen.
Don stands at an ice block lectern while the racers file
into what appears to be their classroom. As they enter
they pull off their winter clothing and remove laptops
and notepads from their backpacks. They aren't racers.
Just late for class.

DON

Anyone seen Gus?

The students shake their head. All but one. The musher
girl looks down at her X-tra Tufs.

DON (CONT'D)

Bonnie?

BONNIE

A polar bear got him.

DON

Damn. I told him to stop hanging
around those ice holes. Okay,
let's begin. Where did I leave off
last class?

The cross-country skier raises his hand.

DON (CONT'D)

Smitty.

SMITTY

You were saying how stereotypes
about Alaska won't be broken
unless Alaskans make our own
movies.

DON

Right. What else?

BONNIE

And how it's not enough to work on
the films, we need to write the
screenplays or Lower-Forty
Eighters will continue to write
crappy movies about us and we'll
continue to be thought of as
simple-minded buffoons who build
bridges to nowhere and need a hero
to save us from ourselves!

DON

Ray! Ray, what are you doing?

The downhill skier gets caught licking the side of the
igloo. He snaps to attention.

Don sighs and puts his head in his hands.

DON (CONT'D)

How are we going to solve this
problem, class?

Ray raises his hand.

RAY

How about we build a bridge to
like...Nome. Yeah...that would be
totally sweet.

DON

Just keep licking the wall, Ray.

Bonnie raises her hand.

DON (CONT'D)

Yes, Bonnie.

BONNIE

What if you teach us how to write
screenplays about the real Alaska?
Isn't it hard to write a script?

DON

No. It's easy. This scene only
took me about five minutes to
write.

SMITTY
(under his breath)

It shows.

DON

You know, it might be a start,
Bonnie. We could do it. A cool
class, where we write and study
the process. Maybe a bigger igloo.
Some blue Hawaiian shaved ice
juice for Ray to pour on the wall.
I could teach you a few things
about screenwriting and we'll
break those stereotypes once
and...

Don pauses. We hear a deep rumble.

EXT. IGLOO - DAY

The sled dogs hear the sound and look up. They bolt for
safety.

High above on the mountain a giant slab of snow breaks
off and begins sliding down the slope.

The avalanche roars towards the igloo.

CUT TO BLACK.

Ready to combat stereotypes and save the world (or Alaska)?  Successful author and screenwriter Don Rearden teaches Screenwriting 101 beginning March 15 at the 49 Alaska Writing Center.  Only a few slots remain.  Register today!

3 comments:

Vivian said...

Ha, ha, very funny. Wish I could take the class but I have to endure two more months of swaying palm trees and white sand beaches.

Eowyn Ivey said...

Great laughs! I love reading when it's clear the author is having fun, even as he makes his point. It's a good reminder of the power of humor. (The class sounds terrific, too!)Thanks!

ARNE said...

I couldn't stop reading. Laughed. And yes, I will be taking the class. I know I have much to learn.